5. Comedians

Comedians must come up with all new material during the appetizer round. Material must surround topics provided by the game. In Round II, comedians have to perform the material in front of a rowdy bar crowd and make the customers laugh at least 75% of the time. In round III, they must take turns dodging thrown vegetables, drinks, and chairs, with the most points going to the person who sustains the least amount of injuries.

4. CPAs

Each accountant must sign, stamp, and seal as many papers as possible in ten minutes. During round II, a complete audit of a major, unsavory corporation (Enron, Halliburton, ect.) must be conducted within 30 minutes. In round III, each accountant must explain the ins and outs of financial, estate, and tax planning and preparation to a client without making him or her fall asleep.

3. People of Wal-Mart

While this may not be a profession, this will undoubtedly be an entertaining show. In the first round, random people of Wal-Mart will be selected to participate in a “Talent Show” showcasing both A. a five minute performance of a talent they have (whether it be dancing, singing, or burping their ABC’s with their armpits) and B. a five minute performance of a mystery talent they’re provided with, such as juggling, cart wheeling, or reciting a sonnet provided. In Round II, shoppers will take the audience on a “normal” visit to Wal-Mart, with the judges rating each visit by originality/creativity, level of cringe-worthiness, and legality. During Round III, Wal-Mart employees get to take revenge on their customers by refusing to refund purchases, parking shopping carts behind their cars, and checking items out as slowly as possible. Whichever contestant manages to survive this round and return to Wal-Mart the same day wins the round.

2. MacGyver

Construction workers, contractors, and random people at Lowe’s who are trying to do home improvement projects compete to make things out of Q-tips, Saran wrap, ice cube trays, and anything else in the “basket.” Each round they have to make something bigger—from a boat to a home to a Las Vegas casino.

1. Twilight Fans

While this one also isn’t a profession, it’s sure to make the rest of the country who is sick of this “phenomenon” happy. Fans compete to win a date with a Jacob or Edward double. In the first round, they must offer either their blood for drinking or their faces for clawing without anesthesia. In round II, fans have to flutter their eyes, be boring, eat cereal, stumble around, and say the most asinine, 12-year-old comments about their “team” of choice. In round III, they have to prove both their love and stupidity by risking their lives on a mystery adventure—cliff diving, swimming with piranhas, or being buried alive with a limb chopped off.