I know some people strongly believe that Facebook is a CIA plot, used to monitor us, the unsuspecting Americans. After seeing what’s really out there Facebookland, I hope it is a CIA plot because the joke is definitely on them.

The reality is that I need a Facebook quiz to tell me what kind of pizza I am.

TMI and Facebook have become intertwined in my mind lately.  Every time I open up Facebook and learn far more than I really wanted to know about my friends, my family, my acquaintances, and my enemies that I've "friended" in order to keep an eye on them.

My brother Adam is a fan of “Not Being on Fire”- along with about 350,000 other people.  I guess what I really should be surprised about is that the number is so low.  I mean, seriously, do you like being on fire? I didn’t check to see if he was also a fan of “Not having Swine Flu”, but given the amount of free time he has at his "managerial position", it’s a high probability. Thank God, he's not a project manager- I can't imagine the damage he would do.

My friend Jennifer, I’m happy to share, is a Diet Coke. You know, the old-fashioned ice-breaker question, “If you were a Coke, what kind of Coke would you be?”  She’s way past virginity, so I was relieved to see she was not a Cherry Coke and would have been equally shocked and horrified if she was a Caffeine-Free Coke. Seriously, talk about the heart of darkness.


Melanie, who I met on the road a few years back and seems to have way too much time on her hands is “Big Bird”,  “doggie style” and a “Zombie Balloon”. This is also WAY too much information and forgive me for saying this, but Big Bird and “doggie style” are two words I never thought I’d ever have the opportunity to use in the same sentence. And, what the hell is a Zombie Balloon?

I mean, I know that Facebook opened up its site to developers, but I had no idea that that meant twenty million stoned Jr. High students would be writing the quizzes. I tried to determine what exactly a Zombie Balloon was, but once again Facebook yielded no promising results and only offered more questions.  My search result was: “Did you mean Zombi Balboa?” No, Facebook, I did not mean ZombieBalboa, but it does beg the question,  who would win in a fight: Zombie Balboa or Zombie Chuck Norris?

Yesterday, after years of wondering, I had the chance to find out what Jesus really thought of me. I tried to be honest as I took the quiz, but of course, I wanted to make a good impression, so I may have fudged a little bit. As I recall, there weren't that many questions, but seeing as how He is pretty powerful, I shouldn't have been surprised.  After finishing the quiz,  I nervously clicked through to see my results:  it was just as I had suspected, Jesus thinks I’m a lazy sack of shit. My friends, being not surprised, made no comment on my sad post. My friend, Matt, however, fared far worse- Jesus thinks he is a sanctimonious pr*ck.