Justin Bieber Haircut Apocalypse

As some of you no doubt have heard by now, Justin Bieber, teen singing sensation and beloved idol who holds the balance of the civilized world in His manicured hands, has cut His hair. In these dark, uncertain times it is essential that we do not panic, that we restrain ourselves amid the wild insanity and bloodlust sure to rise within us all. We must trust in the wisdom of The Biebs to bring about this change. Though it may result in the deaths of millions, even billions, we must not question His awesome, terrible will.

I must personally urge all young men and fashion-confused lesbians who currently bear Bieber's iconic, now perished hair style to refrain from shearing your locks just yet. There is, however small, still a possibility that this is all a ruse or that, if it is indeed fact that The Biebs has cut His hair, He will choose to return to the 'do that made Him famous. In the event that the new, "mature" haircut is a permanent transformation, it is essential that you do not all rush out to cut your own hair at the same time. Scientists have estimated that the sudden influx of human hair into the sewers of the world will cause a series of catastrophic blockages that will flood the streets with waste, poison millions of fish and start countless electrical fires that will only be exacerbated by the high concentrations of flammable chemicals that will be in the air. The scene will be hellish and many people will lose their lives and their sanity. If you absolutely must cut your hair, please do so in shifts based on the first letter of your last name as indicated on the Justin Bieber Haircut Emergency website set to launch in the next few days.

The Surgeon General of the United States has asked me to convey a message to all of Justin Bieber's fans concerning safe sex practices. It is regarded as fact by the psychological medicine establishment that Justin Bieber's androgynous, prepubescent hair style was the one thing holding back the libidinal carnage raging just beneath the surface of an entire generation of young Americans and a fraction of young Canadians. Though the U.S. government's sex education policies are still being debated following the disastrous abstinence-only program of the Bush administration, Dr. Regina M. Benjamin of the Surgeon General's office implores young Bieber fans to refrain from unleashing that pent-up sexual energy irresponsibly now that The Biebs has opted for a mature haircut. Sex does not automatically indicate emotional maturity. It is a big responsibility with many potential pitfalls along the way. If you young fans, after careful consideration, still believe that it is essential to act out the confusing fantasies and intense urges resulting from Bieber's new 'do, remember to visit your local Planned Parenthood for access to safer sex products and a frank, non-judgmental education on healthy sexual practices.

Lastly, the cast and creative team of the hit Fox musical show Glee would like to issue a statement of displeasure with Justin Bieber's poorly timed fashion decision. As some may know, Glee prominently featured a running joke about Justin Bieber's hair just last week. The decision to alter that hair has rendered the joke obsolete well within the time window of online viewership of the episode. Fans will be confused and may develop an adversarial relationship with Glee that could significantly impact its viewership. Creators Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan have expressed their displeasure with Mr. Bieber's lack of professionalism.

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Forfeit Not Fight: Boy Says No to Wrestling Girl

Today on the Internet is the story of Joel Northrup, the high school boy who competed in the 91-year-old Iowa wrestling tournament, that had been an all-boys event until this year. Yesterday, Thursday, young Northrup forfeited a match, rather than to wrestle a girl. Today, Friday, Northrup was knocked out of the tournament. The forfeiture hurt.

I do not fault the Northrup kid for refusing to wrestle the girl. Maybe I am 20th century. I still believe that there is a difference between boys and girls, and that boys should not wrestle girls.

Also, today, reports USA Today, the girl found her match and was eliminated from the tournament after two loses.

Item from the Associated Press -- "Iowa wrestling standout Joel Northrup refuses to face his female opponent in the state championship, saying it was against his religious beliefs. The call likely cost him the championship. But the decision seemed to be respected by his opponent." See the video.

Bill Monroe, R.I.P.

Another veteran newsman took the exit. Bill Monroe died yesterday, Thursday, at a Washington-area nursing home. He was ninety years old. For ten years in the mid 1970s and early 1980s, he was the host of the NBC News Sunday talk show Meet the Press. Before that, he worked on the NBC Today Show. I remember watching him on both shows.

Mr. Monroe was one of those plain speaking, plain looking journalists, who, when either reporting on the news or interviewing news makers, came across as a person who was not easily snowed, and as one who wouldn't let a news maker try to get away with trying to snow the audience.

From the Associated Press -- Bill Monroe, "on his first day as the show's permanent moderator of (Meet The Press) interviewed Gov. George Wallace of Alabama, the staunch segregationist who was at the time running for President. "Have you personally changed your views about segregation?," Monroe asked.

When Wallace didn't respond directly, Monroe cut him off and repeated the question. Wallace began to stumble through his next response, and Monroe asked a third time: "Have your views changed?"

Wallace finally claimed that race relations were better in Alabama than other parts of the country.

Bill Monroe, R.I.P.

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Short Bitch List # 427

3 Things that Bug Me Now


I haven’t given myself the ultimate pleasure of writing a bitch list lately; maybe I’ve been too busy or maybe my life’s been too good lately, but I feel like something is missing whenever I don’t take the time to count the things that I am ungrateful for. (Yes, you can call me the anti-spirit of Thanksgiving if you really feel like it, but you wouldn’t be quite accurate—I also count my blessings on alternate Tuesdays around 4:20.)

 

I don’t think I’m the only one, but I just feel better whenever I purge myself of all the little shit thangs that drag me down. Here’s a short list of the latest things that are bothering me because I know that despite everything you say and do, you really care deeply about my small gripes and meaningless complaints.

 

1.     Shitty People. I hate spending time with people that I honestly don’t give a shit about and who honestly don’t give a shit about me. These people come in all forms and all shapes and sizes; I dislike more based on their personalities and major character flaws. Right now, compulsive liars, egotistical maniacs without talent, and bitches rank high on my list of people that I would rather not spend time with. If you happen to fall into one of those categories, don’t take it personally when I don’t spend oodles of time with you.

2.     Drizzling Rain. I am already tired of the rain. I know there is little I can do about it, and that I should be used to raindrops because I’m a Northwest native, but I’m not. Even singing “Singing in the Rain” when I’m walking outside in the rain doesn’t cheer me up any more. (On the off-chance that someone reading this has access to one of those new-fangled weather weapon machines, please program the weather to less rain in the Pacific Northwest for me.)

3.         Bad Hair. I don’t mean your bad hair; I mean mine. No matter what I do and how hard I try, I’ll never have the perfect Farrah Fawcett hairdo and it’s bringing me down, man. (I’m terrified that my secret mission to single-handedly resurrect the Farrah Fawcett hairdo has failed and have been informed by more than one helpful source that a perm might be my only option. Deep down inside, I feel like such a failure as a woman because of the lameness of my hair, but am confident that I will somehow survive the trauma.)

 

Feel free to add your own meaningless complaints and gripes because I care.

 

Image Courtesy of flickr user: perpetualplum.

 

 

 

The Wenatchee "Cougar Pack"

The Spokane newspaper the Spokesman-Review has an excellent article on an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime trail cam photograph of a staggering eight cougars all congregated in one spot. Although numerous internet pontificators have tried to debunk the shot, it has been authenticated as legitimate. Extremely rare and lucky, but legitimate.

A Wenatchee hunter named Brad had set up a string of trail cams to try and track bobcat on the range where he had permission to hunt. Instead he won the Cougar Jackpot. Although cougar are solitary, territorial animals, there are some circumstances where they may congregate - if uneasily. Study the group photo and you will see that each cougar is either pretending that the others aren't there, or is glaring at one of its neighbors.

According to the hunter, he mounted the camera along the edge of a cliff in "the first wide spot in the trail with a view of the huge valley below." Between winter conditions and some of the cats having cubs to feed, the cougars were drawn together because of the opportunity to scan for elk and deer in the valley below.

Naturally, a lot of people have freaked the eff out, and are calling for everything to be killed everywhere. No doubt fueled by the fear of an eight-cougar Super Pride, which could potentially sweep down into the suburbs and wipe us all out, one innocently bicycling child at a time. I guess. Who knows what these guys think!

Many hunters are also irate at what they see as being too much competition for deer. Let me tell you something: if you walk into the woods in Washington and you don't come out with a deer carcass, it is not because cougars ate them all. It's because you're either a lousy hunter, or you had bad luck. End of story.

Whitetail deer are a veritable plague upon our land. (And my roses.) Unfortunately, Washington state is virtually a deer Mecca, with all the right conditions for their flourishing herds to trample our garden plants. When they're not leaping in front of our cars in the middle of the night, which apparently is the #1 hobby among deer.

(Frankly, I wish cougar would kill more deer. I wish they would increase the number of deer hunting licenses handed out every year, too, for that matter.)

Truthfully though, cougar are nothing to mess with. A cougar is one of the few wild animals which will deliberately stalk, kill, and eat human beings. Sure a bear will attack you if you startle it, or if you get between it and its cubs. A shark will take a crack at you, if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But a cougar will literally stalk a hiker for miles before pouncing, killing, and dragging the body away to be eaten.

Luckily for us, the mountain lion doesn't form prides the way its African cousins do. And this cougar conference is a singular occasion, something that we'll probably never see again.

Photo courtesy "Brad"

Jumping Into Icy Water? For Luck?

There is a festival taking place on the island of Taiwan. Young people are jumping into icy water for luck. The name of the festival is the Lantern Festival.

Lantern, like in light?

 

From Focus Taiwan -- "The 2011 Lantern Festival kicked off (today) Thursday in Miaoli County with the ceremonial lighting of the centerpiece "Auspicious Jade Rabbit" lantern. The main lantern, which is 20.5 meters tall and weighs 30 tons, is just one of the many attractions at the 12-day festival, which is expected to draw at least 5 million visitors, the organizers said."

The day time weather in Taipei, Taiwan is from 57°F to 63°F. Most folks are wearing coats.

Customs are customs, and young people are young people. Most young people have a strong belief in their own immortality. And many young people probably will buy easily into the notion, that during a festival, jumping into icy water for luck is not a bad idea.

Watching the video, I can't help but thinking of many things one can get from jumping into icy water. These things include colds and pneumonia.

Well, I do enjoy watching people having fun at festivals, but the idea of jumping into icy water gives me the chills.

Item from the Associated Press -- "More than 100 Taiwanese young people jumped into the icy water of Yehliu harbour in Taipei on Thursday, in celebration of the start of the island's Lantern Festival. " See the video.

IBM's Watson Wins at 'Jeopardy!'

But Is IBM's Watson As Smart As a Human Infant?

Is it really man vs machine?

Past  Jeopardy! champs, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, battle IBM's Watson, in a three-day exhibition, the minds of two of the finest veteran human Jeopardy! players against a rookie player. A programmed machine's artificial mind, ended with the humans losing? Ken Jennings hamming it up for the cameras, welcoming the machine as the overlord. But what did it mean? A boost for the Jeopardy! show ratings? A lot of free media advertisement for IBM . And what else?

Of course what IBM showed was that their computer is faster at answering Jeopardy! questions, and suggested that eventually, there might be a computer that can keep up with the human brain. The human brain does so many things besides answering Jeopardy! questions. For example, it does many smart things simultaneously to keeps the human body functioning and aware of its external environment. One day a Watson heir may truly be as smart as a human infant.

Item from the Los Angeles Times --"Steve Canepa, IBM's general manager of global Media and the entertainment industry, offers his take on Watson's performance on Jeopardy!, which the super computer competes against human champions." See the video.

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Dixie Carter's "Exorcise" Video

OMG!

Okay, so I guess this was all the rage a few years ago and I have no idea how I missed it! The best stuff comes around 57 seconds but the whole thing is really wildly hilarious. I think she was actually being serious about it, too! Check out Dixie Carter's (of "Designing Women" fame) "Exorcise" Video below:

You can't tell me that is not the most hilarious thing ever!

Shame 101: IMB Watson Owns 'Jeopardy'

Man Loses To A Machine? Never!

The Internet is busy with people reading about and keeping up with how well the IBM computer Watson is doing on the TV show Jeopardy.

Well, after two days of a three-day match, the LA Times headline writer summed up his view of things as "Day 2: Watson annihilates weak humans."



From the LA Times --"Those "Jeopardy!" champs just got owned! On Tuesday night's episode of the greatest man-versus-machine showdown in recent history, IBM super-computer Watson ended up with $35,734, trumping all-star champs Brad Rutter ($10,400) and Ken Jennings ($4,800). From the very beginning, Watson tore off on a winning streak, beating the competition to the buzzer 24 out of 30 times, answering nearly every question correctly (it only stumbled on an art history question that Jennings and Rutter also missed) and even winning two Daily Doubles."

So what? If the machine hadn't performed well, then can you imagine the shame on the faces of the IMB engineers and executives? Could you imagine how the humans would feel, if they had beaten a machine? Like a couple of freaks? Right?

A man is not suppose to run faster than an automobile. He is suppose to ride in the automobile. A man is not suppose to be as quick as the click of a mouse. Speed is the computer's job.

There ain't no shame in the order of man and things.

Item from PBS NewsHour -- "Science correspondent Miles O'Brien goes head-to-circuit board with IBM's computer Watson on the game show "Jeopardy!" to explore the limits of language and artificial intelligence for machines." See the video.

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