10 Things to Do with a Vampire Dildo

Yes, it’s true; of all of the horrible products inspired by the Twilight cult—among the Edward-and-Jacob hoodies, buttons, Barbie dolls, jewelry, board games, t-shirts and god knows what else—they have now come out with an Edward-inspired dildo.

Just what every girl needs: a sparkly penis. “The Vamp” is forty bucks and maintains its temperature; users are advised to “toss it in the fridge for an authentic experience.” (The product reviews on the page are very amusing to read, I must admit.)

I wonder if Meyers ever anticipated this happening. Given the author’s insistence on maintaining virginity prior to marriage (at least when vampires who bruise you and break your bed during sex are concerned), I’d expect she’d support the products. Go Team Edward Erection!

Anyway, if you find yourself on the recipient end of one of these bad babies, here are 10 things you can do with it. (If you’re on the buying end, simply have your head examined.)

10. Make it into a glittery hat. Add some green sparkles or four-leaf clovers to be just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. Festive!

9. Glue it to the hood of your car. Who needs hanging balls when you’ve got a vamp penis on your badass hood?

8. Dump garlic on it, toss it out in the sunlight, and place a cross over it. If nothing happens, you know it’s a dud.

7. Bury it and see if it still, ahem, rises from the dead.

6. Stick it on an Edward Cullen pillow and create a whole half-body to throw things at, use as a scarecrow, or give to your nymphomaniac neighbor as a birthday present.

5. Use it to authenticate your Edward Cullen Halloween costume this year. Bonus if you can get a girl to walk around wearing an ankle monitor as Bella with you.

4. Bring it to the showing of the next Twilight film this summer and see how much you can get for it. You may go home with a new car.

3. Glue it to a naked statue at your local art museum. Adding plastic fangs is optional.

2. Leave it on the desk of any college professor, teacher, or colleague who professes a love of the series (or who’s at least been spotted with a copy of one of the books). Leave a romantic note about how Edward wants to bite her/him and make her/him his forevermore—but since he has to wait until they are married, this will have to suffice for the time being.

1. Toss it in the pile of rubbish you’re hoarding to burn during the Apocalypse. 

The Foul Mouthed C-Word Pub

Please note that I am not reviewing this Pub, have never been to this Pub, and cannot vouch for the proprietor of the Pub, the ale sold in the Pub, or the general atmosphere. I cannot vouch for the veracity of the Pub either or if it even exists.

I can, however, tell you with all of my heart, that the name of this Pub will either shock and delight you or totally disgust you, depending on whether you are a member of the UK or the commonwealth or if you are American.

The web site for the Pub, which I can’t name here due to the fact that I am an American and can never utter the “C”-word, lest I be stoned to death for my own foul mouth, claims to have “original watercolour paintings of car accidents”, a toxic place for children to play, and a chance for newcomers to hear some “life threatening profanities”.

Sounds F-ing delightful, doesn’t it?

The beers on tap at the Pub are also full of profanities, which is exactly what one would expect from a Pub with this name and in the UK.

If you happen to take a trip to Dorset to visit the Pub, please drop me a line and let me know how it went.

Chatspeak

Now, here's a late-at-night-out-of-my-mind-bleary post for yer :- )

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Does anybody care to explain why some communities find minimal chatspeak, and emoticons, as annoying as they do.  This isn't a challenge.  It's a request for information.

We were skimming a comments thread at a big M's blog and somebody threw "LOL" into a comment.

Immediately, in Terrence Stamp fashion, another poster icily intoned "please do not use chatspeak here."  (Of course, wtf is acceptable and encouraged.)

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Taking a quick surf around the 'net, the argument I've seen against it is a straw man:  somebody rips off a paragraph of chat-code such as  .... " Ik i say "Niiiiiiccccceeeee" retarded but w/e xD ....   Now do you get the point? "

No, I don't get the point yet.  If somebody used chatspeak so much that it slowed down my reading, sure, that would defeat the purpose.  I don't know of any chatspeak on MC, SSI, or in the comments that slows me down at all.

.............

A second argument:  teen-angst phone text is going to replace good literature.

My response:  it hasn't. 

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A third argument:  it's immature.  It conjures images of 12-year-old girls on their pink cell phones.

My response:  I have used, and do use, emoticons and LOL with my corporate supervisors.  Who use them back.  It's just one more type of lingo.  A construction supervisor scribbles NRP on a change order:  Not Our Problem.  So?

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I've IM'ed with 15-year-old roto owners whose every 3rd response was LOL.  But that wasn't lingo problem; it was a vapidity problem.

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I'm left completely opaque on this.  I don't challenge others' tastes; I just don't comprehend the tastes on this one.  Why is wtf amusing and functional, but lol is an offensive expression met with immediate, grim-jawed rebuke?   Am sure there's a reason.

If :- ) and :daps: are inherently annoying, why does every chat board have an array of emoticons in the text editor?

..............

Is there a reason to use chatspeak?

As for me, I use it lightly because .... (1) 90% of human communication is nonverbal.  If we were chatting in the Safeco stands and I needled you about something, my smile would defuse the situation.  (Come to think of it, it wouldn't, but you know.)

The internet doesn't allow this.  The internet is conducive to flame wars, hostility and outright animosity between people who would, in real life, be friends.  The cold text isn't buffered by body language. 

SSI endeavors to paste this buffer back in.  We have chosen to cultivate a friendly, rather than hostile, environment by going out of our way to use emoticons. 

Perhaps the cost associated is a *first impression* of immaturity to a first-time reader.  The benefit gained, hopefully, is fewer flame wars.  I approve of this tradeoff.

...............

And reason (2) is, I communicate on my phone when texting.  What becomes a habit there, is going to be abandoned elsewhere only if I make a concerted effort to do so.  You learn a specialized vocab, then you avoid it only given sufficient reason.

Comments open.  Enlighten me.

Cheers,

Dr D

The Best Music Cover Ever!

What could be better than Will Smith singing "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"?

Jimmy Fallon impersonating Neil Young covering "The Fresh Prince of Bell Air" absolutley blows anything that Will Smith could have done back in the day....

 

Mermaids

Taylor Swift who miraculously won best album of the year looked absolutely stunning in her mermaid costume. For your own mermaid costume, (if you can't afford to have a dress especially designed for you), I suggest something along the lines of what you see above. 

If this is not your style, and you are more into a traditional mermaid costume (ie. more skin showing), try something along the lines of Darryl Hannah's mermaid outfit from  way back in the day. Just remember that it is difficult to walk with full fins.

I do not recommend going, however, going the route of Cher in "Mermaids" as the tackiness factor would defintely outweigh the charm of the traditional mermaid costume.

 

YAHOO FAIL!

Last night, I watched the Grammys and while I was a little disappointed that Kanye West did not go Rogue- it was a pretty amazing event. For more of my personal reflections on the night, check out this link, for what it's worth, which may not be much. As far as I'm concerned,  Beyonce’s awards and Pink’s performance were the highlights of the evening, which Yahoo somehow missed entirely last night.

After checking a link on YAHOO’s page with ten minutes left in the show (west coast time), I read an article about how Lady Gaga which was pretty much the star of the show. Hello, Yahoo? Is anyone home? I thought the primary advantage of the net was that we could be pretty much current with what is happening, but it looks like Yahoo never got that particular memo.


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