Just what every girl needs: a sparkly penis. “The Vamp” is forty bucks and maintains its temperature; users are advised to “toss it in the fridge for an authentic experience.” (The product reviews on the page are very amusing to read, I must admit.)
I wonder if Meyers ever anticipated this happening. Given the author’s insistence on maintaining virginity prior to marriage (at least when vampires who bruise you and break your bed during sex are concerned), I’d expect she’d support the products. Go Team Edward Erection!
Anyway, if you find yourself on the recipient end of one of these bad babies, here are 10 things you can do with it. (If you’re on the buying end, simply have your head examined.)
10. Make it into a glittery hat. Add some green sparkles or four-leaf clovers to be just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. Festive!
9. Glue it to the hood of your car. Who needs hanging balls when you’ve got a vamp penis on your badass hood?
8. Dump garlic on it, toss it out in the sunlight, and place a cross over it. If nothing happens, you know it’s a dud.
7. Bury it and see if it still, ahem, rises from the dead.
6. Stick it on an Edward Cullen pillow and create a whole half-body to throw things at, use as a scarecrow, or give to your nymphomaniac neighbor as a birthday present.
5. Use it to authenticate your Edward Cullen Halloween costume this year. Bonus if you can get a girl to walk around wearing an ankle monitor as Bella with you.
4. Bring it to the showing of the next Twilight film this summer and see how much you can get for it. You may go home with a new car.
3. Glue it to a naked statue at your local art museum. Adding plastic fangs is optional.
2. Leave it on the desk of any college professor, teacher, or colleague who professes a love of the series (or who’s at least been spotted with a copy of one of the books). Leave a romantic note about how Edward wants to bite her/him and make her/him his forevermore—but since he has to wait until they are married, this will have to suffice for the time being.
1. Toss it in the pile of rubbish you’re hoarding to burn during the Apocalypse.