Amazon FAIL: Amazon Recommended Me Monkey Butt Sweat Absorbing Powder

You just might get some for Christmas.

You might not be able to see this well enough, which is probably a good thing as the image is terribly disturbing to the naked eye. I was doing a little Christmas shopping on Amazon tonight and checked to see their recommendations and was mortified to discover--well, not mortified enough not to report it to all my invisible and imagined fans on the Klat network--that I had been recommended Anti-Monkey Butt Sweat Absorber.

Personally recommended by the Amazon program that creates such recommendations.  

My first reactions? Gross. Disgusting. Absolutely gross and disgusting. (You get the idea.)

And did Amazon not get the memo that I'm not going to Thailand this year? That I will not be suffering from an excess of butt sweat--not in fact that I personally ever did, but I have seen some who have suffered from it. Did Amazon not hear that I was not in fact a monkey? That I wasn't interested in novelty gifts at this stage in my life, but in more interested in deep novels describing disturbing international situations? 

 

What did I purchase to get this recommendation? What did I buy? Oh, why oh why, Amazon, did you recommend the Anti-Monkey Butt Sweat Absorbing Powder for me? Not only am I not a monkey, I don't even have a pet monkey. And even if I did have a pet monkey, I doubt that I would be so attentive to his or her personal hygiene that I would put some Anti-Sweat powder up there. It's just a little too personal and difficult to imagine and I didn't see that Butt Sweat Absorbing Powder came with gloves.

Of course, if you are on my short and sweet Christmas list and would like some Anti-Monkey Butt Sweat Absorbing Powder, just let me know and I will send you some. It's not as expensive as you might expect and I'm 100% certain that the famed powder will absorb any sweat that you and your loved ones may have on your tropical vacations, especially if you are headed to a nudist resort for Christmas as one family member who shall remain un-named may be. 

Nothing but the best for my family and friends. All on Amazon.com. And who am I to complain if the best is Anti-Monkey Butt Sweat Absorbing Powder? (Don't worry Mom, you're NOT the family member who is in jeopardy of getting this particular gift. I've got other secret ideas for you that are hopefully are a little more fitting for a woman of your stature.)

Happy Birthday, Britney Spears!

Pop star turns the big 3-0, celebrates comeback

It's hard to believe, but pop star Britney Spears is now 30 years old. The singer marked the major milestone in her life on Friday, in a year that saw her launch a pretty impressive musical comeback and a wildly successful tour to support her seventh studio album, Femme Fatale. I'd say she's having a banner 2011, wouldn't you?
It's awesome to see Britney getting older, because that means that, well, she's surviving. Despite a horrific past few years, Brit Brit is hanging on, and hanging in. She's got two beautiful children, too. And yes, I'll be the first to admit that I jumped on the whole "Brit's Gone Crazy" bandwagon a few years back, but I'm thrilled to say that despite what everyone thought at the time, Britney made it through. She's back, and she's better than ever.

Turning 30 is definitely a big deal. With it comes a certain amount of expectation of personal responsibility. You aren't in your 'carefree' 20s anymore. Time to grow up. Britney Spears is all grown up. And she seems to be happier, and healthier, than she's been in a long, long time.
For fun, to sort of mark the day and celebrate in my own little way, I watched several of Britney Spears' older music videos. It blew my mind, to be honest. What struck me is how ingrained she now is in pop culture - it almost seems like she's been around forever.
Take a look at 1998's iconic video for "...Baby One More Time."

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Been a while, huh? Then, and now. Everything in between was chaotic, but Britney Spears has proved all the naysayers wrong, surviving in a brutal business that has chewed up and spit out those equally, if not more, talented than she is. Happy Birthday, Britney (and many more)!

Angelina Jolie's '60 Minutes' Interview: She's Still a Bad Girl (Sort of)

Actress reveals she's 'grateful to be alive'

In recent years, actress Angelina Jolie seems to have done a 180: She's gone from rebellious bad girl to humanitarian and family woman, complete with a lot of kids, a gorgeous partner (Brad Pitt), a slew of interesting Hollywood projects to keep her busy for years to come, and a role as a UN Goodwill ambassador. But all of us who wonder if she's still got that 'bad girl' streak in her need not wonder anymore: Yes, she says it's still there, but only a little bit.
In a very candid interview on CBS' 60 Minutes the 36-year-old Jolie talks openly about her life now - and her life back then. You know, back when she was running around wearing vials of blood around her neck and cavorting with bad boy Billy Bob Thornton. It's hard to remember, I know, but think back: It'll come to you.
Angelina Jolie is, without question, one of the most beautiful women in the world (really people, love her or hate her, you've got to concede that right?). But beneath that stunningly gorgeous exterior, things haven't always been calm and all Earth-motherly. Jolie's publicly admitted to extreme risk-taking behaviors, including jumping out of airplanes. She also admitted to being a cutter. Now, what does the mom of six say about this behavior? She says she's thankful she's still around.
Angelina Jolie tells 60 Minutes, "I didn't die young, so I'm very lucky. There are other artists and people who didn't survive certain things." The rest of the world is glad you survived, too, Angelina. And what of her so-called "bad girl" streak? Jolie says, "I'm still a bad girl. I still have that side of me, adding, "It's just in its place now... It belongs to Brad."

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Sounds to me like she's managed to finally integrate all of the (fascinating) parts of her (did I already say 'fascinating') personality. At 36, Jolie is well on her way to becoming the successful woman she's longed to be since her childhood: Fun-loving, yet stable and satisfied with life.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher Splitting Up

Will they unfollow each other on Twitter, too?

In recent weeks, I've read more than I ever cared to read about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's marriage-on-the-rocks. I speculated right along with everyone else, about whether Ashton really did cheat on Demi (on their sixth wedding anniversary!?!) and I've followed along as these two tried as hard as possible to salvage the dregs of their relationship. Apparently, they weren't successful. Reports say Ashton and Demi are getting a divorce. And thus ends yet another Hollywood marriage.
What happened? We may never know all of the sordid details. But no doubt, both Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are broken up about their break-up. These two Twitter-savvy celebs might also have a thing or two to say about the situation via Tweets, eventually. Wait! Will they unfollow each other? Oh the horror!

Demi Moore issued a brief statement to the Associated Press about the divorce, saying:
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.
Let's pick this apart, shall we? First, privacy: You won't get it, Demi. You just won't. Not in this day and age. Hopefully though, you and Ashton will be able to get out of the spotlight long enough to come to terms with what's happened. Second, and more importantly: Moore's comment about "certain values and vows I hold sacred' is a doozy. Remember, Ashton's rumored to have hooked up with another woman back in September, as the couple prepped to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Now, given this statement, I'm thinking yeah, Ashton messed around.
Either way, it's almost always sad when a celebrity marriage hits the skids and then, ultimately, goes down in flames (I'm not counting Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries, so don't go there). Good luck to both Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher as they pick up the pieces and move on.
 

Ashton Kutcher's Penn State Twitter Disaster: Lesson Learned

"Apparently Ashton Kutcher was quickly informed about why Joe Paterno was fired"

In the latest reminder of why celebrities should think before they Tweet, Ashton Kutcher is doing some serious backpedaling after expressing outrage over Joe Paterno's firing at Penn State. So much so, that he's decided to call it quits on Twitter altogether. Sort of. So what happened?!


On Wednesday night, shortly after Paterno's ousting was announced by the Penn State Board of Trustees in the wake of a disgusting and horribly disturbing child sex scandal at the school, Kutcher reacted. Too quickly. He Tweeted:
How do you fire Jo Pa?  #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste


Of course, not surprisingly, this unleashed a fury. What the heck was Kutcher thinking?! He wasn't. And he sure didn't have the whole story. Let this serve as a cautionary tale, celebs on Twitter.

Apparently Ashton Kutcher was quickly informed about why Joe Paterno was fired. And he was, rightfully so, horrified that he'd seemingly endorsed JoePa and, indirectly, the entire seedy child sex scandal that's still unfolding at Penn State. He issued an immediate apology, removed the shocking Tweet, and moved on. Until the next day, when he made the decision to have his management run his Twitter account going forth.


Kutcher is one of the most prominent celebrity Tweeters. Anyone who's spent enough time on Twitter knows that sooner or later, you're going to put something out there that people A. Will completely misunderstand or B. Will totally infuriate your fan base or C. Both. Ashton's decision to have someone else manage his Twitter feed is regrettable (it's fun to feel like you've got a direct line to a celeb without 'handlers' in the way), but understandable, given what happened. Hopefully this incident serves as a reminder to celebrities (and everyone on Twitter, for that matter), to think carefully before they decide to express uninformed opinions for millions to see.

Kim Jong Il's Son and Grandson Tell All on Facebook

Couldn't they have made more money if they told the Enquirer?

 

Today in AWESOME brings us the latest news from South Korea where Kim Jong Il’s son has made the all-too-common mistake of sharing one too many personal stories on his Facebook page. Since Kim Jong Nam’s dad just happens to one of the world’s most infamous dictators in the world, his Facebook talk of the inner workings of the Kim family makes for some very interesting reading. 

So, what exactly is Kim Jong Nam whining about on his Facebook page? Oh, just the usual bitching and moaning. For one, he wasn’t chosen as the next Supreme Leader of North Korea. His half-brother was. Although this is probably because he was exiled from North Korea, the eldest sons in Korea usually get all the positive attention from their parents. He was originally exiled from the country for supposed claims that he made suggesting that he would implement reforms if he became the leader of North Korea. His other mistake was visiting Disneyland in Japan with a fake passport, apparently a big no-no among communist dictators. 

Kim Jong Nam’s Facebook page is believed to be written under the pseudonym Kim Chol; his son Kim Han Sol also has a Facebook page. The movie “Team America” by the South Park creators is known for a scene in which Kim Jong Il sings “I’m so Lonely," a mocking ballad alluding to the loneliness that dictators everywhere face. Kim Jong Nam is also mocking his dictator dad on his Facebook page and has “digitally altered photos on his Facebook page ridiculing his father and the North Korean elite.” 

I, myself have a picture of Kim Jong Il as Batman as my screensaver. I’m wondering if this is something that Kim Jong Il’s son and I have in common. 

Han Sol, the grandson of Kim Jong Il, is still in high school and attends a boarding school in Bosnia. If his Facebook pictures are any indication, he himself seems like a fairly awesome sort of guy. He conducted a poll through Facebook asking whether his Facebook friends supported Communism or Democracy and has more than a few pictures of himself with bleached hair and earrings, as well as a picture of himself with an attractive date. 

Go, Han Sol, go. I guess that Facebook is the new medium for relatives of dictators to express themselves. I can’t wait to read his memoir if one ever comes out.

Britney Spears Releases Untouched Magazine Shots

 

I sort of assumed Britney Spears had fallen from the public eye in the last five years or so. She had her share of babies and breakdowns and I just thought she'd probably want to lie low for the rest of her life after that. Apparently I was wrong; the starlet has returned with a new record and a new image. The public still seems to want Britney news despite the new generation of post-modern pop princesses on the scene. She's a vestige of an earlier time, perhaps, but still famous enough and still relevant enough to fit nicely on the timeline between Madonna and Gaga.

She's also gearing up for a little bit of politics. Britney has approved the distribution of 'before' and 'after' magazine shots of herself--that is, photographs before the Photoshopping process and then the final product. These side-by-side images will be included in teaching packs sent to primary schools in an attempt to teach young girls about body image in the media. 

Britney's never exactly been stick thin, not even after the retouchers get to her. As a dancer, she's been somewhat muscular her whole live, as well as having the curves that many healthy women have. She's also shorter than your typical ideal at a few inches under average. The photos and their processing really aren't that shocking to look at. You can see where a few lines and shadows are smoothed out, and yes, her legs and torso are considerably slimmed. But is this really a meaningful move on Britney's part? It might be edifying to see how magazine photos are made, sure, but even in the 'before' picture we're looking at a hard standard of beauty. Britney's not a waif, but she's not overweight, either. She's still a blonde white woman with makeup on. Are girls supposed to feel good about the revelation of the pictures if they still don't feel like they stack up to the 'before' standard of beauty? What about young girls who struggle with real weight issues or body problems? They don't seem to be represented here.

Building self-esteem might appear to be a worthy cause, but I seriously doubt it's Britney's ultimate goal with this gesture. She's not teaching that there's more to life than being physically attractive or appealing to the male gaze. All she's taught is that even she needs a little Photoshop as far as the press's standards are concerned. That's not a terribly deep message, nor do I think it'd be particularly helpful to the girls she's trying to reach. It seems a hollow publicity stunt designed to garner her some good will in the media--nothing more. If you really want to reach girls, try stepping back from the notion that beauty is both impossible and necessary and start reinforcing the importance of those inner characteristics that make being human worthwhile.

Miracle Whip, Mayo, and the Opportunity for Free Miracle Whip Samples

Which camp are you in? Miracle Whip or Mayo?

 

There are two kinds of people in the United States: Those who like mayonnaise and those who like Miracle Whip. There is absolutely no such thing as a person who likes both. Don’t believe me? It’s been scientifically proven time and time again by countless scientists and researchers at great universities across the United States. 

For those of you strange and twisted enough to be in the Miracle Whip camp--you know who you are--you will be extra happy to learn about Miracle Whip’s new promotion, which is unbelievable in its size and scope. If you take two seconds to take what basically amounts to a  Miracle Whip versus mayonnaise survey, Miracle Whip will mail you two small samples of Miracle Whip to share with your friends, family, and pets. 

 

Each small Miracle Whip packet is 7/16th of an ounce. If you are in the mayo camp, you can still order the two free Miracle Whip samples. As a joke or for that hard-to-buy presents for person on their birthday, you can order Miracle Whip for them instead of yourself. 

 

Nothing says selfless like a couple of free packets of Miracle Whip at all. 

 

If you don’t believe that this is a real promotion, please take a minute to go to this amazingly fantabulous website to find out for yourself just how generous the Miracle Whip brand actually is. Just note that the packets take four to six weeks for delivery, so if you are hankering for a Miracle Whip sample today, you might be shit out of luck. 

 

Who knows? The free samples might actually make non-believers converts to Miracle Whip. Of course, since every sandwich I’ve ever had with Miracle Whip has ruined the taste of the entire sandwich, I highly doubt it. Just don’t tell the genius marketing team at Miracle Whip that I said that.

 

Of course, there are the few and the proud (like one of my cousins who infamously vomited when forced to eat a sandwich with warm mayo on it) who claim that they don’t like either Miracle Whip or mayonnaise. We all know that they are secretly either aliens or Europeans who are exceedingly good at imitating our beautiful American accents, though, so they don’t count at all. It’s a rule that every American likes either one or the other. 

 

Right? 

Pop culture says you can't do something; why not?

“If you don’t risk anything, you risk more,” is a quote by writer Erica Jong that really resonates with me. It’s absolutely true in so many ways. You can’t have any strong feelings towards something if you haven’t invested yourself into it. It’s kind of an obvious quote, but I think that people can get sidetracked by expectations and they do the exact opposite of what Jong suggests.

I’ve seen plenty of people with huge passions that are unwilling to risk anything to try to pursue them. They huddle into secondary ambitions, weathering the storm of lack of passion in their peripheral interests. They give up on their primary passions because they are too difficult, too embarrassing if they fail, too hard, too competitive. The reasons are so obvious, but it isn’t discussed. I’ve never heard any of these people say, I’m too afraid to fail. Instead, they bash what others are doing, pretend they were never interested in the first place.

But in some respects, it’s not their fault. They have probably been told that their ambitions are impossible or so difficult it isn’t even worth it to try. Perhaps they’ve been told they could do anything, but then failed anyway. Perhaps they were disillusioned in their youths by an immensely talented and well-educated uncle who couldn’t find a job.

And yes, the stakes for these people is that much higher. They very well may fail. Desirable careers are desirable by a lot of people, so it’s much more difficult to open your own law practice for immigration than to become a hotel manager.

But failure is failure. And you’ll either have spent the years trying or persuading yourself into gladness that you never tried at all. And I think this is worse. There will always be that shady road that you’ll never have ventured on to, but you’ll never know what’s on it. If you tried, you might have found that you hated it, found that it no longer existed or found that you could do it. For people like this, perhaps this is the scariest part.

But I want to be one of those people who risks it all for what I want. I’ve been called naïve; I’ve been called a dreamer who can’t exist in the world of today. And I’m scared all of the time. Sure, I have a bit of a dramatic side, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night ready to change my career plans, ready to play it safe, ready to decide that I want a stable living and a nice house.

But I can’t live not knowing what will happen if I don’t take a risk. Well, I suppose I could live, but I don’t want to. I couldn’t face a future that might have allowed me what I really wanted, but I was too afraid to take it.

So I want to remember to talk to the scary person at the party, ask them how they got to be so flamboyant and fabulous. I don’t want to spend time envying somebody’s multimillion dollar house because I’ll know going for what I want will give me something better. I’ll tell people who I am and say what I should say. I will never not risk being myself—a person who is lucky enough to know who she is and what she wants—because that neglecting taking that risk is much worse than forgetting the idea that you should have just done it.

OMG Rape is Soooo Funny!

That’s what this would-be comedian seems to think. At a recent improv festival in New York City, he openly confessed to raping a woman who was intoxicated. The woman had given her number to a coworker of the man’s, who had a girlfriend and decided to give the number to him instead. When the so-called comedian showed up at her door, she told him to go away and that he was not the man she wanted, but he went in and had sex with her anyway.

For those who argue that this isn’t rape, let’s clear this up: I don’t care if she was lying there naked with her legs splayed. If she tells you to “Go away,” that means no. This idiot thought he was funny (as did many of the men on stage with him), but as the women and men in the audience approached him to let him know that he was a rapist, he reportedly left the improv afterward.

Aside from pointing out that the female members of his audience were not happy with his performance, the other men doing improve didn’t seem to have much of a problem with this, either. They almost seemed to egg on the performance, laughing and not appearing very offended at all (at least, during the show). The “Men can stop rape” bumper sticker may seem trite to some, but in honesty that’s what it’s going to take. You can tell us to carry thirteen whistles and take fifty self defense classes and to dress like puritans on a boat to America all you want (and blame us for rape while you’re at it, as essentially that’s where you’re putting the blame for it rather than on the rapist’s shoulders); until rapists stop raping, it’s going to keep happening. And since it happens every 90 seconds, it’s a pretty big deal that doesn’t deserve laughter.

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